I have always loved bringing each child into my home, and I love each one dearly. I never saw in my dreams that I would be struggling with my own 3rd grade math level (because Math is really hard and confusing to me) and trying to help my 3rd grader with his homework. I never envisioned I would be arguing with my children about the xbox and electronics on a daily occurance. I never envisioned the sleepless nights, staying up late trying to just get ahead and loosing my cool almost daily. I never dreamed I would look and feel like a hot mess almost daily. I never once dreamed I would feel like a failure.
Bringing each birth of a child into the home has been so memorable, sacred and loving. Something I will never, ever trade. I love being a Mom and being a homemaker. It is the most challenging jobs I have ever done! I wish kids came with an instruction manual, because it would make life so much easier. I feel like a failure, because I can't be there 100% for all of my kids, like I envisioned. I don't give them the equal amount of time to each child, like they deserve. I don't share enough patience with each child like I should, because they need it. I still feel like I am drowning most of the time, but I am still working at my dream. I have a more realistic dream now then when I was a little girl. I know that life is not perfect, and that's okay. I am trying each day and I know my Heavenly Father knows me and knows where my heart is, and for that I think I might not be so much of a failure like I feel.
A path of bringing 5 beautiful, loving and thoughtful children to this world has been anything but perfect. Each birth was a drama-fest in itself. Brayden made his debut 3 months early being born @29 weeks gestation. He came out lethargic and drugged with the medication I was taking to stop my labor contractions. Living his first 6 weeks of life in an incubator at Phoenix Childrens' Hospital was stressful enough. Brooklyn being born a week early, but getting stuck in my birth canal and her heart rate dropping significantly. With the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, she came out blue and struggling to breathe. Boy, she was such a beauty! Tanner being born a week early, coming at a very stressful time. He had the best head of locks and was an angel baby but struggled with speech until 3rd grade. Mckay coming into this world a couple days over my due date, having me on bed rest and retaining too much fluid. Coming into this world with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times, tighter then the Dr has ever seen it. Coming out blue and lethargic. And Lastly, bringing Levi into this world was the hardest pregnancy, deliver and recovery I have ever had. Living in the hospital in the NICU for his first week of life due to high bilirubin levels. Struggling with speech at an early age. Soon to be diagnosed with unexplained seizures and with learning disabilities shortly following.
I still love my life. It is not what I thought my path would be. I never thought I would endure so much postpartum depression from each baby, stress and body changes in my life. I run out of energy by 4pm and then just struggle the rest of the day to make it to bed without falling asleep standing up. I definitely have more to learn, because just when I feel like I have things figured out, life throws me a curve ball. I have never been more grateful for the trials I have learned along the way to bring each child into this world. I am happy that I still have a loving husband after all we have been through. For this, I continue to go to church (which happens to be the most stressful day of the week to me), worship my Heavenly Father, and try to be the best ME I can for my family. I try to spend time with each child and teach them as they grow. I try to spend enough time with my husband as he has had a long day at work. We try to show by example and show what love really is.
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