Our home does revolve around Levi, our life does! We have therapies in our home coming right now 4 times a week, helpers that we call friends every week day, sometimes on weekends. We cannot have a lot of chaos, stress, yelling, loud music, messed up schedule as this all resorts Levi to have a seizure. It is so stressful to run a household to meet these standards, and that is just for one special needs child. I have 4 other typical children that I need to pay attention to and spend time with.
When I share my stories about the trauma we have been through with Levi, when I share just a glimpse of what the hell we have been through, everyone's jaws drop and I can read it all over their faces that they cannot believe it. I then stop sharing the raw and realistic details of our story with Levi and my other children, because I don't think many people can understand or wrap their head around what trauma we have all been through. I usually say "We are doing good," "I am fine," or "Levi is doing good." I mask over what really is going on and make it sound like everything is okay. It might be okay in that moment, but we do not go a whole day without Levi or someone else that has had a rough day.
I learned today that I put up walls, and I know I do this, I just didn't realize that everyone else knew I did this. I do this to protect myself from showing complete emotional break downs and to protect my heart. I remember about 4 months ago, I had a complete break down and was spiraling down hill, actually hit rock bottom. I couldn't see myself going another day praying and scared to death if my poor Levi was going to have a grand-mal throughout the night and not know, and possibly die. I could not see myself not being able to leave my house, in fear that Levi would have a grand-mal seizure in front of a crowd (this has happened before at Costco with Aaron and it was scary) and I wouldn't be able to lift him up and carry him to safety. I couldn't keep facing the constant failures that modern medication was doing for Levi. I did not want my life like this and I did not recognize me anymore. I cried for DAYS and DAYS and prayed to God, then was mad at God. Then hated church and became a hermit who started not caring for herself.
After talking to a friend, I decided to go talk to a doctor because hurting myself was not the solution and I knew that I was sick. I knew that my hormone levels weren't correct, because who would think like this and treat themselves the way I was doing. After getting on an anti-depressant medication I saw positive shifts in me after 3 days. It still took weeks to get me to the correct dosage of it being effective. Since spiraling down hill, my health has been put through the ringer and I have many health problems that my doctors cannot give me a medical diagnosis explaining my sickness. This is my journey to find out what my diagnosis' are, but this is all from living in constant fear, stress, high cortisol levels that remain extremely high for long periods of time, and pushing myself aside.
I am learning that as a Mother you put yourself on the back burner and put everyone in front of your own needs. This is doable for a short period of time, but it is not realistic, nor it is achievable. I did this for Months on end that ended up being YEARS of putting everyone elses's needs before my own...and I completely crumbled and fell apart. Ironic right?! This was sitting in my draft copy on Feb. 20, 2020...now it is the end of 2020 and our year is so different now. Most importantly, I am learning about Grief, how it never goes away, but you learn to manage it differently. You grow from that old friend that won't go away (grief) and how to continue to live with it. My goal this year is to find me again, love her and be nice to her. Find what I love, be a good mom and stop making unrealistic goals that I keep from achieving. I am GOOD! I am a good person and I am ENOUGH!!!
